Musings & Threads.  Just Before Dawn.

Musings & Threads. Just Before Dawn.

Musings & Threads.  Just Before Dawn.

The darkest hours are just before dawn.  (English Proverb)

I am back in Key West and it hasn’t been an easy transition for me.  My Key West home is the place of my greatest sorrows; this is where my husband had a serious fall from which he was supposed to fully recover; only to be secretly ravaged by a rare and aggressive cancer that stole his life.  This is where I spent my first grief year, overwhelmed by the indignities that widows must suffer.  My happy times in Key West were lived elsewhere.  I seem to keep coming back to where he fell, his pain, his sadness, the terrible things that happened to me after he died.

I retired unexpectedly to care for my husband, with my only plan to figure out retirement with him.  So here I am, trying to navigate this metaphoric retirement village without direction.  For me it is like going into a store knowing that I have to buy a dress, but not knowing what the occasion is…is it a picnic, a day at the beach, sleepwear, a formal occasion, a casual dinner? 

I have a friend who is also trying to find her way around this village with some success and some frustration.  Last week she was doing well, looking forward to making jewelry again, however, I was having a hard time living amidst the sad memories. 

That moment I realized why she was doing well and I was not.  Hope.  She believed that things were going to get better.  Then I realized that hope is a defining characteristic of happiness.  When I was younger with a successful career, caring for my daughter, being with my husband, volunteering and leading a busy life, I lived on hope.  My hopes were many and I worked toward them: being financially successful, a happy daughter, a fulfilled husband, time to relax.  I expected the future would be better; my husband and I were going to get some rest, relax, recharge, spend more time together.  I lived and breathed hope.

So I now have a new focus, I believe my life is going to get better, I have hope that this will be a great day.  When I was young, my hope was for time to relax, now my hope is for time to go faster.  I still have my morning anxiety, fear, but now I put hope over it…today is going to be the day when something great will happen…and I can get up.

DUMBO.  A Brooklyn Neighborhood Walk.

DUMBO. A Brooklyn Neighborhood Walk.

Good Books!

Good Books!