Imagining

August 3rd marked the 10th anniversary of my husband’s death. I found myself listening to the music that we fell in love to. It felt like his death happened a lifetime ago and just yesterday at the same time.

While I am living a happy life and am blessed by family, dogs, friends, health, and comfort, it is not the life that I would have chosen.

Grief is a funny thing. I no longer feel debilitated by his loss as I did for the first three years. But grief still reappears, in bursts. Sometimes I ache for the life that we would have had…but most of the time I am happy, appreciating the accomplishments of my daughter and her husband, adoring my dogs, enjoying writing, loving my friends and family.

But still, I believe that my life would be very different if he had not died.

For one thing, I imagine I would still be living in New Jersey and be near our daughter in New York City. When people think of New Jersey, most think of the NJ Turnpike and Garden State Parkway and the ugliness of it. But those of us who have lived in New Jersey know that it is a secretly magical, beautiful place. It is a hidden landscape of rolling hills and lush summers. History, gardens and green grass surround its residents. My husband, our daughter, and I lived in an old Victorian house with a beautiful garden, complete with a 70-year-old fountain as its centerpiece.

I imagine that my husband and I would have sold that house and bought a smaller one. We would have built a garden, as we created gardens wherever we went.

I imagine that we would still be going to Key West in the winters, but the house would have been renovated. My husband loved to take a house and make it our own.

I imagine him beaming at our daughter’s wedding as she chose a simply wonderful man to spend the rest of her life with. Their wedding was a joyous event that still makes me smile. He would be pleased with all of her accomplishments.

I imagine that we would have continued entertaining. He loved to entertain. We gave large Christmas parties, hosted major family gatherings, and even held events for close friends.

I imagine that he would have started writing. He was a better writer than I am. So much better that I had him write all of the cards and notes even to family.

I imagine that we would have spent a lot of time with our family, especially at family gatherings.

I imagine that I would be able to sleep. His snoring never bothered me; it reminded me that he was next to me.

I imagine that I would still have become a writer, but with his support and encouragement, I would have tried to publish my novel.

Of all the things that I miss, it is the loss of his love and encouragement that aches the most. No matter what I did, I knew that there was someone back home who thought that I was the best person in the world.

But imagining is just that. He is gone forever and has been gone for 10 years.

My life is a lot different than it would have been if he were here, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t good. I am very blessed.

But can’t help imagining, especially on the anniversary of his death…