How I lost Santa, A Christmas Tale

I fervently believed in Santa Claus, although by 10 (I was a very late bloomer, perhaps still am - but not about Santa) most of my friends did not. 

And so one Christmas Eve, so many, many years ago (it feels like a hundred) I decided to prove he was real.

My parents hosted a Christmas Eve party, I said hello and goodnight to all, and was tucked into bed, determined to stay awake, and tell everyone that there was a real, live Santa. And being so young, i never questioned what he would do with the reindeer as we lived on the 4th floor of an apartment building. And so I stayed awake.  

Peeking out of our bedroom door, I saw my father and mother putting out a mound of gifts, on top of a sleigh which was a gift for us all. No Santa, none - it was Dad who ate the cookies I had left out.

Maybe it was the desire not to hurt my parents’ feelings - but I never told them. Maybe my heart broke a little, I think it was my first major disappointment. And perhaps it prepared me for all that was to follow.