Hallelujah and Amen. Life Goes On.
Life Goes On.
Two very successful people committed suicide last week, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. They took their lives and most people around them were unaware of the intense pain they were suffering through.
But I know, because I’ve been there.
Deep depression is a demon, and it takes hold of you, wraps itself around you. Your world becomes black, the despair is solid, and no light comes in. Death becomes preferable because it’s too hard to keep going, you see no end so it feels like forever. It has you fighting for your life.
And you feel alone, so alone. Talk therapy did nothing, telling me to be more positive was a waste of your breath. People around me, at home, at work, had no idea what I was going through — other than thinking I was having few bad days. I kept my secret well.
Of course I had thoughts about suicide. I cried in rage, in desperation, in anger (why me, why me), almost submissive but never quite, so wanting not to go on, filled with pain, but I never took that final step. Somehow I remained tethered to life while feeling hopeless, utterly hopeless.
There were so many times I wanted to die, but I couldn’t. Or wouldn’t. For reasons I don’t understand, I’m one of the lucky ones. I survived long enough for medication to be developed that helped, enough so that I slowly, very slowly, came out from under. Eventually, the right doctor, at the right time, came up with the right combination of medications that work for me, so far. And that has changed my life.
Can you imagine the pain, the despair, the grief at feeling your life slip away? You simply cannot. And you’re so blessed that you can’t.